When I turned 18, I ended up putting myself in an illusional world and in this world, nothing seemed to be fully my fault. Whenever something went wrong, I had what I considered a "reasonable explanation" for why things resulted in the way that it had. For an example, I ended up failing to work out one day and my reason was that I had too big of meals that day to even consider working out. I told myself that I would end up hyperventilating and puking from the amount of exercise I would do.
This habit stuck to me for so many years and over time I knew something had to be done about it. What decisions I make today will determine the outcome of my future. The other day, I thought about all the little things I had splurged on. Had I not done that, I would have had enough money to get a week's worth of groceries. Did I need the things that I had purchased? Absolutely not. Did I hold off on it before making the purchase? Yes. Why did I purchase it? Because I couldn't control myself.
I couldn't let life just pan out for me anymore. I needed to make the change. I needed to do something about it. My skin got better the moment I gave up dairy products. My mind got clearer when I decided to go on more walks. My stress levels decreased when I decided to read more books before bed. My happiness increased little by little when I slowly reintroduced art back into my life. I started opening up and socializing more when I decided to not avoid people. I made all of that happen. It wasn't chance and it wasn't life throwing me positive results.
And sometimes it's just hard to admit that you're at fault. It's especially more difficult when you're already at the stage of self-loathing and thinking of what-ifs. It's easy to lose sight of who you are when you're always thinking about who you want to be.
I'm taking it one day at a time. I know I won't be at complete peace and I know most of my decisions will result in temporary bliss. But maybe that's what I need - just enough bliss to know that the feeling I get when things go right to motivate me to experience more of it.
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